A Day for the Records

I just feel very in control now.

Today I…

…followed my diet
…exercised
…made it to all classes on time
…participated in all discussions
…have finished all homework
…made my run to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy measuring cups/spoons
…went for a walk
…balanced my checkbook
…wrote thank you notes
…wrote my fine check
…got my class registration stuff ready
…reorganized my desk
…updated my calendar
…and some other odds and ends.

All in all, a very successful day. Except that it’s not even nine and my brain and body are ready to go to bed. It’s too early, though! I guess I’ll go write for a while –I haven’t had any free time in several days, I don’t feel like knitting, and I don’t really know what to do with myself.

Sodium is not your friend

It may look like your friend and taste like your friend, but it is not.

The daily recommended dose of sodium ranges from 1300-3300, which most people averaging in recommended doses around 2400. Yesterday, I consumed approximately 3203 milligrams of sodium. OOPS.

So today… with only one accident (I didn’t realize there was so much sodium in turkey!), I consumed only 1801 milligrams of sodium. YAY.

I also rocked at my kickboxing class, and over-participated in my philosophy class because we discussed Frankenstein and I adore that book. AND I now know what I’m going to do for both my creative project and my final in that class. I figured out how to get my speech critiques in for speech at the last minute, and also helped Brian out. This Sunday I get to hear Ernest Hemingway’s son speak! How nerdy/exciting is that?

Rehearsal for Landscape of the Body went fine, though a little tedious. It’s hard to put on a play that you know will be presented sans scenery, costume, and props. It forces you to… you know… ACT. It’s reminded me how much I miss being in a production. Maybe I’ll audition for community theatre this summer… we’ll see. I’m already going to be SUPER busy.

Basically, it’s just been a nice, very focused day. I didn’t get to do anything fun today really because I was doing homework… but I sure feel like I accomplished a lot! And my stress level, which threated to rise earlier today, has melted thanks to my excellent time management skills. Score for Jessa.

I also have received no less than three compliments on my AMAZING nataliedee.com bag that my Mom got for me AND embroidered my name onto over and over and over in case I should forget. Which I did today, referring to myself as Diana.

On that note, HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY DIANA. Now let’s go to NYC already.

I’m in the mood to hop along the Freedom Trail again. Maybe Thursday morning before class… it’s a pleasant walk.

Okay, now I”m just being random. It’s just about midnight, but I’ve been ready for bed since nine. Does this mean that I am returning to a normal sleep schedule? The past two nights I have been in bed before one and risen at eight…

Two minutes until midnight and I’m going to bed!

I saw the guitarist again

When it comes right down to it, in many ways I’m happy to be back in Boston. Especially now that Lauren’s back –she worked out with me and went to Trader Joe’s and split soup for dinner with me. I was up in plenty of time for class this morning, though I won’t lie –I had a hard time staying awake in Honors. I just found out that Dulgarian is giving us an extension on the philosophy projects that I don’t understand. I exercised and stayed within my diet range today, and also learned that I eat ridiculous amounts of sodium. 1300-3300 is recommended, adn today I had 3203. It’s all the soup I eat.

I’m listening to Christmas Carols, which always puts me in a good mood. The voices of Nat King Cole and Dean Martin have to make anyone happy.

Today when Lauren and I were coming back from Trader Joe’s, I saw the guitarist again, which means this is at least the third time. He was playing guitar down on Newbury Street when I was on the atrocious date with Alex, and when he saw me looking at him as I passed, we shared a smile, I knew right then my date was doomed. When you’re so miserable and bored that you’re checking out other boys, that’s not a good sign.

And now it’s half an hour before midnight and I’ve just cuddled down in my WONDERFUL new electric blanket to write and relax. I feel good. My visit home refreshed me. My exercising and good day of dieting not only got rid of a pretty nasty migraine this afternoon, but also have left me exhausted and happy. Yay for good days, because sometimes they’re all that get us through the bad days that we know are ahead…

But I don’t want to end on that pessimistic note, haha, since I’m not feeling pessimistic at all. It’s amazing how talking things through with Lauren can be so… rejuvinating? therepeutic?

So here’s a quote I like.

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. -Hugh Downs

Here’s what I win (there’s also a certificate) for accomplishing nanowrimo about a week ago:

And here is me being a loser with a hat on because I didn’t have time to blow-dry my hair and it was 38 degrees outside (week before Thanksgiving; that’s Nick on my right, Diana on my left, Brian behind me, for people who want faces for names):

OH

how good it feels to be home.

Solution Day 1

So… after my last post… I decided I needed to do something about it.

So I joined ediets.com. For a meal plan and a fitness plan, it’s about $24 for the first month. If the plan I’m on works, I’ll really only need to be on it for two, maybe three months if one takes holiday backsliding into account. And if it all goes as planned, I’ll be thinner, more muscular, have lower cholesterol, fewer headaches, and hopefully more regular sleeping patterns. If it doesn’t work… two months of it is cheaper than trying diet pills or something. At the very least, it’ll get me eating healthier and moving, which I need. And it’ll make me feel like I’m doing something.

So… that will solve weight, comfort, and health problems, hopefully. As for other stuff… hopefully that will fall into place, right? I had to weigh and do measurements to customize the meal and fitness plans, and it turns out I’ve only gained 1 lb since I’ve been back here from my visit home in October, and I’m only 1 inch wider around my stomach, both of which can be blamed on dear old Aunt Flo. I almost got the strength to take my bellybutton ring out… but not quite. I’m going to try and make myself do that while I’m at home this weekend, or maybe next weekend at my check in if my weight has dropped any. We’ll see. Soon, though. Because I want it to heal, so I can repierce it WHEN I get in shape. Not if, when.

Well… it’s 6 AM now. I haven’t slept all night. But I’m not tired. Now I just feel… content. No longer stressed or disappointed or depressed. I’ve got a plan now. I’m doing something now. And I think I’ll stick to this plan more knowing that I’m spending money on it. I don’t want to waste my money.

Should I leave these two entries up? I’m tempted not to. I try not to put entries like this online where people can see them, entries where I’m admitting to the world that I have VERY LITTLE confidence about my appearance. I’m going to do it, though. I’m just going to throw it out there and use it as motivation to accomplish what I’ve been wanting to do since I was thirteen.

So today begins Day One of the Solution. Outlook? Optimistic.

I don’t understand

My body is falling apart. And I’m only eighteen. And I don’t know what to do about it.

My bellybutton ring has migrated so much that it looks disgusting.
This is because my weight fluctuates so much.
But now it no longer goes down –I have just gained weight,
Even though all I really eat is soup and bread.
I am never thirsty.
I am constantly PMSing and that lovely time of the month
Is every other week.
I feel bloated six days of the week.
I go through unending cycles where I either can’t get to sleep
Or can’t wake up.
I never truly feel hungry,
But I constantly get so shaky I’m ready to pass out.
I go runnign and walking as much as I can,
Yet my muscles have been swallowed by fat.
And that is why I can’t make myself take my bellybutton ring out,
Because it’s the only hot thing about me.
Every time I look at pictures, all I notice is my eye.
My skin is so broken out right now
That I don’t want to leave the dorm.
There are no freckles on my face, so I’m just pale.
Every day something new hurts,
Usually my shoulders or back
But occasionally my legs or wrists.
My face is so broken out that it physically hurts right now.
Sometimes I can’t stop eating all day,
While others I go all day without eating more than maybe a bowl of soup.
I have never felt comfortable in my body.
I feel bipolar –sometimes I’m bouncing off the walls,
And others I just want to sit in a corner and cry for no reason.
I can’t remember the last time I just physically felt great.
Maybe never?
And I’m sick of it.
And I’m sick of feeling sick all the time,
And shaky and bloated and tired and restless
And sore and old and out of control of my own body.

I think this is the most personal thing I have ever posted online.
Admitting that my body is falling apart,
When I’m only eighteen.

Freedom Trail

Went on the Freedom Trail today, which meant I got about four hours of sleep. I did the Boston portion of the trail and decided to save Charlestown for another day. It was amazing, to be honest. It’s something I think every American should go along. Suddenly history is less what you read about in history books and more what got our country to be all that it is today. You see the graves for these heroes and realize… they’re just men, the way we all are, so what’s keeping us from doing great things? You see these buildings that have been around since the 16, 1700s and you realize how young our country really is. I definitely want to go along the Boston portion of the trail again, because I’m sure there are things i overlooked. Preferrably I’ll go on a day when it isn’t going to get dark at 4:30.

Got back, and Laura wanted to go walking. So we took the T out to BU and then walked back –about an hour. So I was walking around for five hours today, and it was fabulous. It reminded me so much of Germany. I miss that. Going into a city and realizing you only have a day so you had better enjoy it and see all that there is to see. It kills you after two weeks –or after even just a day in this case– but it’s great.

Napped for FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES, and then it was time to cook. I bought bowls from CVS to cook in because they were all that I could find, but they aren’t microwaveable… or, well, they are, but they melt. I forgot to take a picture. But so the biggest one, the blue one (there are 5) is a bit bubbly around one of the edges. De nada. Went to Thanksgiving Dinner at Nick’s swanky apartment, and it was great. SItting around, eating, talking. I’ve gained so much weight since I’ve been here, which is HORRIBLY DEPRESSING, and so I felt bad for eating so much. I did walk a lot, though. I’m dieting like crazy –the problem is just that I don’t have much time to exercise. When it gets dark at 4:30, there’s not much you can do. Ugh.

And now… well, I just finished uploading photos to my webshots album. Check out the “Around Boston” and “Thanksgiving” albums for new shots. I’m currently watching Trains, Planes, and Automobiles, which is a fantastic movie. And talking to people. I’m super sleepy, and I DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP THROUGH CHURCH TOMORROW, so I think I’m going to work on some homework, finish my 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo (I’m 1200 away at the moment!) and then head off to bed.

Also, I like to go walking in the rain. Is that weird? It rains 5/7 of every week, and I really love it, though I BADLY need rainboots. My sneakers are basically ruined. I’ve been looking everywhere but can’t find any rainboots. Maybe while I’m home? But I like to just go out walking when it rains. It’s fun to me. I’m odd, I guess…

Not much to say

because I pretty much told Mom already about the turtles and future-serial-rapist Alex Lam.

Talked to Lauren’s brother and her surgery went fine, but it’ll be a few days before we know the results of the biopsy.

Now I’m just chilling, watching Conan, writing, and talking to some cool kids.

Oh, but here’s a giggle. earlier I was cleaning out my angelfire account and look what I found. EEk!

Oh man, I thought I was so cool…

I wish we had Trader Joe’s at home. It’s so cheap it makes me want to cry tears of joy. My resolve not to date boys until I’m friends with them, and my acknowledgement and contentedness that I probably won’t have a boyfriend in college has given me a new sense of peace and confidence. I did not do any of my homework tonight like I meant to. Uh well. Life goes on.

Now, Conan is back. Diana and me want to go see him in December. YAY!!!

I am soooo sorry

that I have not written in LIKE A MONTH. I was really busy… and then suddenly I was really busy again… and then I was not so busy but I was lazy… and now I’m suddenly busy again but I’m going to be a good little blogger and blog.

So… at this very moment, I have just reached 43775 words of the 50,000 I have to write for National Novel Writing Month by the end of November. I am still knitting up a storm. I also talk to people a lot, and eat way more than I should, and don’t exercise anymore. This is unfortunate. I go out running with my brand new sweats as much as I can, but by the time I get out of class at 4pm every day, THE SUN IS SETTING. How crazy is that? The sun is completely gone before 5:30. That is ridiculous.

What else is going on? I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving. Tomorrow is movie night and diner night crammed into one since Larry didn’t get us the DVD player in time. :/ Uh well. We also are thinking about going to get pedicures. It depends whether or not this “recommended” Honors lecture is required or not. I still need to finish reading David Hume, read the rest of Montaigne (we read too much in my philosophy class), write my response for that class, do my report on infanticide, and so on. Ooh goodness, I’m busy.

Well… it’s one in the morning. So I should probably try to get to bed soon so that I don’t sleep through my 10am class. I would love to go running beforehand, but that just doesn’t happen anymore. Perhaps I will go between classes. THat might rock. Especially since my iPod is not infact lost.

Can I mention that? About a week ago, I thought I had lost my phone in the dining hall. Somebody, some saintly person, turned it into the kitchen and I got it back. That’s the second time I’ve lost my phone at an eating establishment (last time at Rosa’s back at home) and had someone turn it in. Then, last Wednesday at the MFA, the woman turned my purse upside down when she gave it back to me, so everything went spilling out. She shoved everything back in, and I asked her to check and make sure it was all back in. She said it was, and I didn’t notice anything missing, though later that day I couldn’t find my iPod. Diana and Laura left the MFA after I did, and the woman found the iPod adn asked if it was theirs. She told them they could have it anyways (what the heck?). It just so happened that I asked Diana the other day if she had seen my iPod, and sure enough, she had it, meaning to ask our class if anyone had lost it. Sometimes small little miracles like that happen that make me feel like God is saying, “I know this whole living-in-a-Godless-city sucks, and I know it’s hard sometimes for you to remember or realize how this is going to benefit you in the future, so I’ll do these little miracles to remind you I love you.”

That said, here are some spiffy pictures.

This is the view from my theatre class about a week and a half ago.

This is all the Starbucks food that Audrey brought home last Friday. I think I ate the ENTIRE gingerbread loaf by myself :/

This makes me cry because it is so true:

Here are some pictures that Travis, the host for the NaNoWriMo write-in at Barnes and Nobles that I went to Sunday took. Ugh, I have gained SO much weight, I’m afraid; I’ve been too terrified to even weigh. Maybe I’ll make myself tomorrow morning, just to see…

Two New Numbers in My Phone

So my turtles now live at the UPS store. Yes, you read me right. I went in there earlier today and these two kids about my age were working. The boy had a fit over the turtles. When I went back later to get packaging, it turns out they don’t have the right packaging. So we started talking and I explained my predicament. The boy was sort of joking that he would take them, but then they offered seriously that they could be the UPS store pets. So I agreed. It’s better than them probably dying shipping. So now my turtles are going to live in the UPS store until I can drive home with them in May. If their boss flips and won’t let them keep the turtles there, the boy, Andrew, is going to take them to his house and take care of them. He studied marine biology in college, and is pretty dorky. So we traded phone numbers. I can go visit my turtles whenever I want. It’s really, really depressing to walk into my room now, though, and not see them sitting on my desk, pressed against the class in the hopes that I’ll take them out to play. I want to cry.

So that was phone number one. Then I walked over to the Prudential Center to look for a competition piece from Barnes and Nobles (I still haven’t found one…) Anyways, after only looking for a few minutes, this guy struck up a conversation with me about short stories. We wound up talking for maybe an hour while he helped me look. His name is Alex, he’s Vietnamese, and he’s a senior media major at Emerson. He also asked me out to dinner and a movie Sunday night. I said yes. We’ll see how that goes. Pretty exciting, though, eh?

Then this random black man told me he liked my coat.

So altogether, though I’m extremely depressed that my turtles aren’t with me anymore, I’m praying that they’ll be safe and happy at either UPS or Andrew’s house, and look forward to our reunion in May when I can finally take them home. I plan to visit them as much as I can without being annoying.

Now… now I have to go find a piece of prose for competition in New Hampshire on Saturday (I leave tomorrow and return Sunday afternoon). I’ve been looks for days and still haven’t found anything that works. I’m ready to give up. Yuck/